A Journal a Shadow and a Fear
by RainbowFez
Summary: A demon infests Ethan and pulls him farther into his already bad depression. Why does he hate himself so much and why does he think he's a bad friend. This is a BETHAN so its rated T. I hope you like it


I don't own MBAV. Please review.

…Ethan's room…

The moon shone through the window on Ethan's sleeping body. Above him floated a shadow. It shifted forms, from human to beast. Silently it floated around the sleeping boy's room. Books floated off shelves and the computer flicked on. Everything flew back into place and a small black book landed in the shadow's hand.

…Ethan's Journal entry one…

I needed to make this journal because I feel like I'm going to explode. A few months ago I realized I was gay. There I said it. I've never told anyone that before. It feels good to get it out. But there's more, I have a crush on someone. He's straight though and wouldn't ever love me back. Every day it hurts me to see him, but it makes me so happy. When he smiles it's like the sun is shining on me, but at the same time, there is a hole in my heart eating away at me. I just wish he would love me.

…Ethan's Journal entry two…

I was so scared today. Benny got hurt. He almost turned into a zombie! I didn't know what to do. It scared me and I thought I couldn't save him. I love Benny. Yes, Benny Weir, my best friend. I can't help it, he's just perfect in every way. He's funny, cool, nerdy, and really really cute. I don't know what to do. I just need to keep my feelings in so we can still be friends.

…Ethan's Journal entry three…

It's been awhile since I've written. I'm just having a hard time writing this down, because after I do its true. Once I put it on paper I know without a doubt everything I'm feeling. And I don't want to feel like this. I'm dying inside. I can't stop loving Benny. But I hate myself. If I was normal none of this would be happening. Me and Benny would be best friends, super cool vampire hunters. He was my brother, but I don't feel like that anymore. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Please can't I just stop this.

…Ethan's Journal entry four…

I officially hate myself. Benny almost found out about everything. He found this book but I grabbed it away from him. I tried to burn it but I couldn't do it. I can't talk to anyone and this is the only way I can express my feelings. I've been thinking about cutting. I know it's bad but I don't know. Everything is wrong, everything I do is wrong. I'm a bad friend. I shouldn't feel this way. I need to find a way to make this stop.

…Ethan's Journal entry five…

I'm going after Sarah. Maybe if I date a girl then I can forget about all this gay stuff. I can push it away. I might even feel happy again. But I doubt it. Sarah doesn't even like me, I'm just pathetic. Everyone else is better off without me. I always get in the way. I NEED TO BE NORMAL.

…Ethan's Journal entry six…

Today I didn't go to school. I told my parents I was sick. But I lied. I woke up crying and couldn't stop. I cried for hours after they left. I feel so alone. All I can think about is Benny. Every time I close my eyes I see Benny. I need to get away from him, let him be around good people, people who don't lie and pretend. I want so bad to be gone. But I need to stay. All I can do is pray that I find a way to get through this. I've fought vampires, werewolves, zombies and so much more. I should be able to get through this.

…Ethan's Journal entry seven…

My mom found me crying. She took me to the doctor and he put me on some medication. It's been two weeks and I feel less sad. I didn't realize how bad I was feeling. If things continue I'll be able to pretend to be normal and not hate myself. : )

…Ethan's Room…

"Oh Ethan you have so much turmoil inside you. It's delicious. Your antidepressants would have helped you, but now I'm here" The shadow chuckled. Ethan gasped as the shadow entered him. The teen jumped out of bed and looked around. "I'm imagining things" He grumbled to himself. Putting his head back on the pillow, Ethan closed his eyes. Smiling Ethan dreamed of Benny, and everything that makes him so amazing.

…School…

Ethan entered the building to see his friends gathered around Rory's locker. "Hey E" Benny called, smiling. "You're lying to him" a voice in Ethan's head said. The poor teen had been dealing with so much he just pushed it aside as just a random thought. "Are we going to hang out after school today" The tall boy asked his friend. "Yea my mom said you can spend the night" The short boy told him smiling. "Are you going to watch him while he sleeps again, like a pervert" The voice asked. "E are you ok, your pail" Benny's voice brought him back. "Yea, just didn't get enough sleep." The rest of the day went by slowly. The voice in the back of him mind kept reminding him of how bad a person he was. "You looked at his ass. What are you thinking you perv." "You shouldn't have hugged him back. He wouldn't have hugged you if he knew." "So you're going to pretend to watch Sarah? You wouldn't have to pretend if you were normal." By the end of the day all Ethan wanted to do was cry. "What's wrong" Sarah asked pulling her friend aside? "Why can't you love her, like you're supposed to? You little faggot, you freak." "Nothing's wrong Ethan told her, ignoring his thoughts. "No you're not. You look like your about to cry." She gestured to the red eyed, messy haired Ethan, pulling at a string on his shirt. "You can come to me with anything. You know that right" Sarah reminded him. Hugging the boy tight, a few teardrops rolled down his cheeks. "She wouldn't be comforting you if she knew how you have been lying to everyone. Be a good person and go" the voice told him. Ethan broke out of the hug and ran out the doors. "What happened Benny" asked running over to Sarah? "I don't know" she replied, a worried look on her face.

Ethan ran down the street as fast as he could. "I got to get home" he cried. Tears streamed down his face, rolling down his cheeks as his sped toward home. Little Ethan, running away from his problems. You're a child, a crying little baby. Everyone hates you. If they cared they would have followed you. But no one did. Can't you see you're worthless?" Jumping onto his bed Ethan grabbed his journal and began writing

…Ethan's Journal entry eight…

I knew I couldn't stay happy. I tried forget everything but I can't run away from everything. No one loves me. I know that and it hurts. Crying won't help anything. Benny should hate me. I have done such horrible things. I lied and pretended. I've stole glances at him. I watched him sleep and admired him from afar. I can't do these things. Benny doesn't deserve such a bad friend. He should have a best friend that's actually worthy to be around him. I'm not because I'm nothing.

…Ethan's Room…

Ethan flung the small book across the floor and buried his head in a pillow. Screaming over and over again into the pillow, Ethan pulled on his hair. IT hurt but he deserves pain. No one came for him. No one checked on him. "No one cares" the boy whispered to himself. Days passed and things just got worse. The voice in his head screamed and screamed. The shadow inside him feasted on the sadness and fear it put him through.

…School…

"Ethan" Benny screamed over and over again. "Just ignore him" the voice inside told him. But Ethan wasn't fast enough. His best friend grabbed him and pulled him into a classroom. Locking the door he stood firm. "You've been ignoring me for weeks, and I need to know why" Benny commanded. The hurt on his face was obvious. Ethan wasn't the only one going through things. "Benny just let me go" Ethan whimpered, staring at the floor. The voice whispered everything Ethan was doing wrong. "Ethan, I miss you and, I know something's wrong. You look like a truck ran over you. You haven't smiled in ages and you won't look me in the eye. Benny walked forward. E I love you and I need you back. "NO" Ethan screamed. "You don't love me!" the taller boy stood shocked. His mouth opened to talk. "No Ethan" told him, tears running down his face. Pushing past him Ethan tried to get to the door, but benny grabbed him. Bringing his arms around Ethan benny hugged him. "I do love you E. You're my best friend and my brother." Ethan flinched and began to cry more. "lies lies lies" sang the voice in his head. "All you do is lie. You let him care but you know he shouldn't. Tell him you hate him, lie some more. Run from your problems like you always do." Ethan shivered and cried, covering his ears with his hands. "We can't have you like this at school" Benny whispered. In a flash they were standing in Benny's room. Without thinking Ethan dropped onto the bed burying himself in the blankets. The world was gone, He just had to pretend. The bed bumped as the other boy got on the bed. He pulled up the blankets and got in too. "Benny please don't" Ethan whispered, his tears finally stopped. "E please tell me what's wrong. Please, I want to help." "LIE" yelled the shadow. "You should hate me" Ethan whispered. "Why? I could never hat you E. You're my best friend." "I shouldn't be" mumbled Ethan rolling into a ball. "I'm a horrible person." "No you're not!" Benny told him hugging the ball of Ethan. "Why would you think that E. What would be so bad that I would hate you?" "Don't tell him. Run like you always do" the voice whispered. "No. I'm done hiding. Let Benny hate me" Ethan screamed back. "I love you" whispered Ethan. "I love you too" Benny laughed. "No I LOVE you" emphases Ethan. "Like not in a friend way." Before his best friend could react the curled up boy started crying. The bed was wet and Ethan wriggled away. All he wanted to do was leave but couldn't. One he opened his eyes and got up the world would truly end. Two strong arms pulled E closer, wrapping around him. "Don't cry, please don't cry" the other boy whispered rubbing Ethan's back. The shadow struggled stuck in his host body. Everything was falling apart. "Why don't you hate me" whimpered Ethan, looking up at his best friend. "Because I could never hate you. Now stop crying so we can talk."

…Benny's Room…

The two boys sat cross-legged facing each other on the floor. "You're straight" whispered Ethan looking away. "Yes" replied his friend. "See why he would ever love you. He's just trying to let you down easy" the voice said. "But maybe not" Benny continued. Stopping Benny stared at the ground. He seemed to be shocked by what he said as much as Ethan. "I like girls. I've never felt anything towards a guy before. But you're not a normal guy E." Hope flashed through the brown haired boy's eyes. "I never thought about dating you. I never thought of you as a boyfriend, but you're still different. There is no one in the world that I care about more than you E. You're my other half, my soul mate. I would die if I had to spend a day without you. If you love me than I can't say no to you. I've never been able to say no to you." Benny's voice cracked. He looked afraid and Ethan did as well. "You're forcing him into something he doesn't want" whispered the voice. "See how horrible you are." Taking a long breath the boy continued. "I love you Ethan and I want to be with you forever. I want to date you, I want to try. Maybe you are the person for me. "I'm willing to try Ethan because I won't let you go. I will spend every day of my life trying to help you." Ending, there was an awkward pause. "I can't let you do that" whispered Ethan. "You don't really want this." His head was pulled up. Benny was inches away from the other boy's face. "I want to try" He repeated again. Before Ethan could protest benny pulled them into a kiss. The world stopped. Everything around them didn't matter. Even Benny felt different. "The shadow shrieked inside his host's mind. Pulling back Ethan cringed in pain. Black smoke billowed out of his nose and mouth. The demon lay in the air floating before it regained enough strength to disappear. "I guess he was the voice" Ethan whispered, a warmth filling his body. In the following days Grandma explained the demon was feeding off the negative emotions and fears Ethan was going through. The two boys continued dating. As the months passed Benny felt no urge to stop. Ethan may not be a girl but He loved him, and not like a brother anymore. All of the self-hate and worry vanished, replaced by love and hope. Ethan finally had a full


End file.
